Finding my Self: Part Dos

I’m not one of those always happy, always-on types, but I’m also not an evil, dark person by nature either. I like to think of myself as a Californian Alyson Hannigan ("dude, this one time at band camp..."). Although, when I had a massage one afternoon in March, 2012, a lot of dark energy rose up from my core like I had never before experienced. So, after something inside told me to go see a spiritual advisor, I found Psychic Kristy.

I was slightly nervous on the drive to her “office” because I truly didn’t know what to expect. I half predicted a voo-doo-witch-craft-gypsy-lady covered from head to toe in bedazzled organza. I pictured myself arriving at a one room shack with nailed wooden boards in place of windows where gun shots had shattered the glass – that would all be of course because she’s located in the ghetto part of town.

Well, I was almost right about her “office”, but thankfully Kristy was nothing like I had pictured. Her place was just like those psychic dumps you see in the dirtier parts of town – which I only venture into if I absolutely have to. The outside was tattered and shabby with a glowing neon “Open” sign in its window. It was Sunday morning, April 1^st, yes, ironically April Fool’s Day, and Psychic Kristy greeted me with the warmest of regards. Her smile and soft handshake made me feel instantly at ease.

She led me to a small room filled with sunlight, crosses and unfamiliar tiny trinkets (used for voo-doo-witch-craft, no doubt!) I took a seat in a plush, antique chair opposite her, and asked for the full spiritual aura with tarot card reading. She instantly picked up on the dark energy I was emanating and began one of the most enlightening experiences I have ever had.

Without any tells hints or nods from me of any kind (truthfully, I was skeptic of this being legit), she was able to validate several areas of my life. First, she confirmed that I had just ended my job, that it revolved around helping women, and that I had a lot of tears from this ending. She confirmed that I have two little girls whom I worry about incessantly. She validated that I give a lot of myself to others but I don’t receive much in return.

After she went through several validations to earn some trust, she began offering me insight into what she sees happening for mine and my family’s future. She spoke of me becoming a successful writer. Strangely, I was also told this very same thing by the psychic at the Renaissance Fair Brandon and I went to as a joke to see if she could tell us the gender of our unborn baby (again, she correctly indentified Whitney's gender).

Kristy also said several things to me that I didn’t know of/about at the time, but have since shown to be true. For instance, she said even though my current job was ending, I will be in a leadership position “very, very soon. Within the next month or two”, she offered. Unbelievably, on June 1^st (exactly two months after our session on April 1^st), I accepted a position as a Colorguard Instructor at a local high school.

After my psychic reading with Kristy, I left feeling really optimistic. Over the next weeks, I slowly began feeling less like a dark creature of the night and more like my Californian Alyson Hannigan self. It was during this time when I discovered a mom blogger who I have come to really enjoy following: Kelle Hampton’s Enjoying the Small Things. Her first memoir Bloom: Finding Beauty in the Unexpected, debuted in mid-April. Of course I pre-ordered it and read it in one weekend because I simply couldn’t put it down – it’s that inspirational. In it, she gives nod to another novel, A Million Miles in a Thousand Years, by Donald Miller. It took me reading Bloom for the second time to realize that I needed to read Miller’s book.

Miller’s novel began opening my eyes to the world of living a better, more fulfilled life. Once I accepted the position of Colorguard Instructor, I spent the summer of 2012 reading a few more books by Miller – all of which are uplifting tales mostly about making meaningful stories out of our lives. I began feeling like I was onto something here. First I saw Psychic Kristy who told me that I was going to be in a leadership position within the next two months. Then I found Donald Miller who was telling me that I was being courageous to go out and live out my dream of being a guard instructor to make my life’s story really great. I was actually feeling like I had control over my life again. As a military spouse I often feel completely out of control of my life’s compass. I have little say in what type of housing we get let alone where in the world we’ll be moving to next. I have often felt really lost inside because of the constant changes going on outside. But the summer of 2012 brought me new found hope. I was following a career-path dream and learning to “Bloom” where I was planted.

But then something went wrong. I started feeling very afraid. Fear spread throughout my body like chickenpox on a 7-year-old. I felt the dot of fear pop up, and then before I knew it I was completely immersed in it without any hope of getting rid of it any time soon. I felt my mind and heart betray me. I spent my warm summer days dreaming about coaching and leading my very own high school guard, but Fear decided to rent the penthouse suite – making it’s ugly presence known at all hours of the day and night.

I spent hours awake at night second guessing myself; “Could I really coach a guard again?” I asked myself. “I coached before, but I’ve been out of practice for nearly 10 years”, I mulled. In other words, I psyched myself out in many ways because I thought that I didn’t have what it takes anymore and thought perhaps I was trying to relive some foolish childhood fantasy. Alongside these negative thoughts about declining the position, I would counter it by something new I recently read to encourage me to go forward with it. I had an intense inner battle for about two weeks prior to my first day coaching.

In the end, I declined the position; the position that I had dreamed about for a whole decade. I am not a high school colorguard instructor. There were several factors involved in turning it down: the money-in-money-out ratio didn't add up to the distance I would have to travel for it. Once I gave the news to the band director, I began feeling like I failed miserably at writing my life’s story. I felt like I was following something good and it was all going really well for several months. Prior to declining the position, I had this wonderful new-found energy flowing through me. It all got quiet once I turned down the position, and I was back to feeling lost and out of control of my life. Yes, I controlled declining the guard position, but this is just the way I was feeling after it all happened. Believe me, if I had a choice then to not feel crappy about it all, I wouldn’t have.

Ah-ha! But I did have a choice of not feeling crappy about it all. In fact, I had a choice to not let fear take up residence. Shortly after this guard thing went down, I discovered the book entitled, The Untethered Soul by Michael Singer. This book is helping me find my Self. I believe this is where my spiritual journey really begins.

To be continued in Finding my Self: Part Tres