Freedom Will Come

I was shopping alone at World Market the other night when I found myself staring for what seemed like hours at the clearance tables. I was nearly alone in the store and I felt a sudden, frantic realization that I was in fact very, very alone. No kids. No other shoppers. I just stood staring at the tables like maybe they’d start talking just to help fill the infinite void of sound. I was transfixed. I was by myself for the first time in a long time. I mean, I guess you could argue that I was alone when I drove to the store, but I always have the radio on and my mind is off planning. In the store, however, I had no thoughts, no sound infiltrating the space. I just wanted to soak it in for as long as I could. And then I slipped into a daydream about what if I had the girls with me right then and my heart started to race. I visualized my attention split between the girls to keep each of them from knocking glass giraffes and ceramic measuring spoons. I started to feel anxious and a little sad. I love my shopping buddies, but I realized that sometimes I really miss my freedom.

Over the last few years, I’ve come across women who don’t want kids – and I think that’s really great for them. Just like some women choose to marry and some don’t. Some choose to rock bangs, and some don’t, some ladies feel like they don’t need kids for their lives to be complete. I am obviously not one of those moms, but I very much respect the decisions others make for their own lives. Anyway, in speaking to those women I often hear that they value their free time too much to start a family. When I hear that, it makes me miss mine, too.

On the way home from World Market, I remembered some of the conversations I’ve had with women who don’t want kids; about how they would miss their freedom too much. That’s when I realized that my freedom will come. In fact, I always have it. It’s like when my babies are asleep and I get to cozy up on the couch with a good book. And it happens in random moments like when I’m staring at clearance racks on an off-foot trip to the store. And it happens when I’m dancing it off at Zumba. And it happens when I take a moment to jot down some thoughts to this little blog. I suppose setting aside free time is like setting aside time to brush your teeth or shower. You have to do it, and it’s all a matter of how you manage your time. If you use your free time making next weekend’s grocery list, then that leaves little time to soak in being truly alone by living in the moment.

Eventually my girls will be old enough where I can leave them at home alone while I head out for a bit. Then there will be a day when they move out of the house altogether. My freedom will come then, too. But at least I’ll still have this ongoing experience of being a parent and knowing a love that is beyond any other relationship that one can ever experience. I get to be a mother and have my freedom.

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Our new home in El Paso is coming along. Like I mention here I’m feeling wonderfully inspired as I design our living space in the Modern Americana theme. Here are some of the items already (or soon-to-be) in our home.

1.) Blue Moroccan trellis rug in navy blue from RugsUSA.com. This is my favorite piece in the room so far.

RugsUSA

2.) Red floor lamp shade from World Market.

World Market

3.) Snow White curtains from Lowes.

Lowes

4.) Rustic coffee table. We don’t have this table, but ours is close in design. This beautiful piece is $1,195. We bought ours from Hobby Lobby for $109.

Woodland Creek Furniture

5.) I oogled over this adorable throw pillow when I was in World Market. 

I’ll wait for it to be 50% off before I take this little cutie home.

World Market

More design inspiration to follow.

Erin Bettis